This is my answer to someone that replied to one of my posts, “Your Conscious and Subconscious Mind and Their Effect on Recovery.” In that article, I try to make sense of why we would continue to drink alcohol when we no longer like the taste or smell of it, and why we still drink when we know that it’s killing us. He said that he still loved the taste and now he only drinks about half of what he used to, but still feels like it’s killing him. I’ve never put it into perspective for myself using the scale, but I like how it flows. Instead of writing a new article, I thought I’d keep it organic and raw like this, because it feels more powerful. Let me know what you think!
I love the taste! I love the feelings it gives me (too an extent) I love Love love the feeling of that first beer after a fucking hard days work. I love it. It’s just doing it every day kills me. I used to drink a ton, quit, was in therapy, went back to it and drink about half as much now, and have for like three years. I may have greatly reduced the amount I consume, probably a result of therapy, I’m more at peace, just need less, but either way, it’s every day. I saw a video about a girl who drank a glass of wine for 20 days. It was great till day 4 when she couldn’t sleep, next thing she knew, she needed water in the middle of the night, her skin started looking worse, and she gained weight. All in all, her conclusion was that every day, even one, is too much. But yeah, I certainly do love it. Even after like 10 months sober, all through that time, there were plenty of moments where I thought, ah yeah, a beer would be Amazing right now!!!!!
I’ll be honest, I may have forgotten what it feels like to love the taste of alcohol. You may not have gotten to the point of hating it, so this may not resonate with you 100%. But there’s plenty of people that are there, and it’s a scary place. Hopefully you never get there! When I drank beer, I loved the taste of the first couple. As time went on and I drank more, and got into the hard stuff so could carry airplane bottles with me wherever I went. What happened was, when I realized that I did hate the taste and wanted to stop, I couldn’t. I sat there all day trying to figure out why my body couldn’t live without it even though it made me feel like shit. I consciously knew that I didn’t like it anymore and that it was killing me, but i still couldn’t stop. The withdrawal symptoms were just too bad. There’s no worse feeling than having your mind and body craving something that you know for a fact is killing you. That also may be the reason that I couldn’t imagine ever drinking alcohol again. I know too much about what it does not only to my body, but my brain as well. Continued alcohol use will lower our brains standards telling us that everything is alright. For me, it worked like this…
Before I started drinking everything was on a scale of 1-100. Sometimes life would be 50-100 and sometimes life would be 100-100. When it wasn’t 100-100, I would drink so that it would be. After drinking for a while, the scale went down to 1-90. My mind lost 10 points because I wasn’t dealing with things as they came. Eventually it got down to maybe 1-5, so I had a much smaller margin to work with. Even little things would set me off because instead of having a big range like 1-100 to deal with all the bullshit life throws at you, I was dealing with a much smaller window of tolerance for everyday life. My decisions were absolutely horrible. During the process of recovering, my brain started raising it standards again. I had a hard time dealing with it at first because I was afraid of the emotions that were coming out. I now believe that’s why we relapse.
We actually become afraid of being healthy in a weird way. I dealt with life by pouring booze over it for so long that I didn’t know what all this other shit was. Learning to meditate absolutely helped me deal with it in a healthy way along with a great diet and exercise. I went keto to lose 60 lbs. and now I have a much more balanced diet. My body was actually afraid of exercise at first. It was same with meditating. It was crazy but I got past it. I think that if we can constantly know that we’re safer without drinking, that we just have to deal with shit as it comes, then the need for alcohol becomes a memory instead of a craving. Good luck with everything! I really hope you find why you believe alcohol is killing you. Don’t be afraid of what you might find. It’s only you. Thanks for the reply! Have a powerful day!