Down the Rabbit Hole

I dig deep a lot. It helps me understand who I am and where I’m going in life. I do this when I meditate if I’m not quite feeling myself. Sometimes, I’ll even smoke a little cannabis, sit there and just be. I ask myself how I’m feeling, in this case, I felt sad. Then, I ‘why’ the crap out of myself until I come up with results like you’ll read below. Before people get all crazy about the plant medicine, please educate yourself about the effect and benefits. It’s not a gateway to anything bad. I think after you read what I’ve been able to accomplish, you’ll understand what I mean. Alcohol is a depressant, but marijuana can help with creativity and insight. This particular insight changed the way I look at everything. I think you’ll see too, that you don’t have to be an alcoholic to do this. You also don’t have to smoke.
I’m sad. Why am I sad?

Because I’m crabby. Why am I crabby?

Because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Why?

Because I have a lot of stuff on my mind. Why?

Because everything is hard. Why?

Because I don’t feel like myself. Why?

Because I’m stressed out. Why?

Because I let things get to me. Why?

Because I don’t feel confident. Why?

Because I never did. Why?

Because nobody ever taught me how to be. Why?

Because no one in my family was ever confident. Why?

Because the world seemed like it was exploding all the time. Why?

Because dad was never home, and mom was always in a panic because she didn’t know how to raise 3 kids alone and she was drinking all the time. Why?

Because shit got worse when she drank so dad stayed away drinking with his buddies because they couldn’t stand to be in the same place as each other. Why?

Because they were alcoholics and had a serious fucking problem dealing with shit. Why?

Because they were scared kids themselves and maybe they were too proud to ask for any real help. Why?

Because they kept blaming each other for shit. Why?

Because they didn’t know any better. Why?

Because life comes on faster for some of us and we’re not prepared.

What can I do to change my future?

Not blame anyone for any of my problems because I need to deal with things as they come and quit trying to wrestle it down into my subconscious.

Maybe I need to quit overthinking so much and enjoy the life I’ve created so far because it’s not over.

If I appreciate what I have now, maybe by learning new things and some hard work, without negatively blaming anyone, I can have better things and keep changing and enjoy life even more.

Maybe I should go easier on people starting with myself.

Maybe things aren’t so bad.

Maybe I can breathe.

Maybe I can cry.

Maybe I’ve been loved more than I ever thought possible, but they had a hard time showing it because they had a hard time dealing with life.

Maybe I can laugh.

I should show people how much love I really have to give, and not be so fucking miserable all the time.

I don’t have to raise my son with the same uncertainty that I was raised with.

I can teach him confidence as I learn how to be the human being I want to be, so he can grow up and be the human being he wants to be.

I don’t need alcohol.

I don’t need these prescriptions.

I don’t need any of it.

I need to truly love myself and everything will be okay.

Why didn’t I think of this sooner?

I don’t know about you, but to me, that sounds a hell of a lot better than beating myself up all the time. That was one of the breakthrough moments I had when I was meditating. I knew right there, that alcohol had no part in my life anymore. I know some of us don’t like to think of ourselves like that or dig deep, but it might just be one of the most important things you ever do. It’s hard to try new things, but it’s way harder to try and win a war with alcohol or anxiety that you’ve already lost so many times before. The realization that I was treating myself like an asshole, and how it was affecting other people, was pretty big. And the realization of where it comes from and the understanding of where that came from, is even bigger. Knowing that with every good intention in their body, my parents did all they could to keep it together, the best they knew how. They were scared. I was scared. I also wouldn’t be writing this, and trying to help other people if they had been perfect. My parents taught me more about being who I am today than they taught me about being an alcoholic. That’s the truth. It just took me a while to realize it. For me, a deeper thought and a better conversation means a higher being. We can be better to ourselves. Even though I’ve gone down this rabbit hole before, it still wasn’t easy to write this while I was writing it. But now that I’ve done it, I’m really glad I did. Have a powerful day!

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